I really badly want to start the review with: everyone should own one. And as cheesy, and salesy as this might sound, I really DO think that…
Everyone should own one.
At this point in my life, I am pretty familiar with my own body, the spectrum of sensations I can experience, and what kind of stimulation leads to them. And it’s not like I am taking this for granted, I am constantly trying new things, products, materials, techniques, positions and I am pushing my own boundaries. So when this toy came out, I was a bit skeptical. Suction? Gentle waves? Pulsation? Na-ah! I was imagining some hugely pointless toy (that a number companies keep coming up with these days). I imagined that it was gonna suck on my clitoris in a way that will leave me screaming in pain, cursing my adventurous spirit of having to try every gadget that comes out. I thought it was either gonna be useless and super disappointing, or super painful and torturous to my clit. And I am already a power queen and often bruise the gentle skin of my vulva and the hood of my clitoris with big and super strong toys such as the Doxy Die Cast. And because I am a masturbation enthusiast (and activist for that matter), I do pleasure myself every day. This leaves my body in a constant state of bangover, chafing, bruises, friction burn and sometimes little tears.
So I definitely didn’t need a catfish sucking on my clit. Or so I thought.
Then a fellow sex toy reviewer wrote a post about the product and it said that it was stellar. So I had to challenge my snap judgments of the toy and give it the benefit of the doubt. But still, more questions kept coming up: why is it so cheap? How is it rechargeable and yet so cheap? It must suck really badly. It has pinpointed suction and pulsations towards only the glands of the clit, not the entire organ, and if it doesn’t vibrate, how is that going to stimulate the rest of the clitoris to make me reach an orgasm?
Ladies and gentleman, I do not have the answer of any of these questions. Why, how, how come… It simply works.
By the time when Peepshowtoys, one of the sex-positive and responsible stores I support, offered me to review the Satisfyer of their behalf, I couldn’t say “YES” fast enough.
The delivery from Peepshowtoys.com was really discreet and it was shipped from “Hamilton Electronics”. So your secret is safe. Your mailman, neighbors, or family members aren’t gonna find out about your little secret. Everything was secured with lots of paper, making sure that the item isn’t gonna travel around in the box during its journey to your house. And that’s key when it comes to vibrators or toys that have electronics in them.
You often see me say “sex-positive, responsible, providing education”, when I talk about the stores that I like and recommend. That’s not a “I like you, I don’t like him, you’re my friend, John isn’t, let’s not play with him” kind of thing. I have very strict criteria when it comes to stores that I endorse. Do they sell crappy, porous or toxic toys? Do they sell unsafe anal toys with no flared base? Do they have a blog, write articles, provide education to their customers? Do they sell lubricants that contain glycerin? That kind of thing. And Peepshowtoys have scored great on all of these. Not only that, but they’re really nice and helpful, they answer your questions and are present on social media, trying to create a good experience for every customer. I couldn’t ask for more.
The Satisfyer Pro 2 looks weird(ish) and unlike almost anything else out there simply because it’s not a vibrator. It has a long handle, which is very comfortable to use and makes holding it in place really easy (and that’s crucial for this toy in particular). It has two buttons, far from each other, which make accidentally turning it off impossible. When you need to turn it on or off, you will have to hold the smaller button. The bigger oval one is controlling the speed. One criticism I have of the one button only thing is that it doesn’t have a plus or minus option. Sometimes you wanna go back and tone things down. But some of my fave vibes (We-Vibe Touch) have the same “fluke”: they only go one way because they only have one button as well. BUT (!!!) this one at least doesn’t start over when you reach the highest setting. It doesn’t go from 11 back to zero. When you reach the most powerful program, it starts “counting back”. 11-10-9… So you can slowly scale down.
What is it made of and what does it do? The body of the toy is ABS plastic and the attachment that makes contact with your clitoris is silicone, so it’s entirely body-safe and non-porous. It’s water-proof (and delicious in the tub, but more on that later), it’s rechargeable (via a magnetic charger that it comes with), and has 11 speeds! What I love about it is that it’s super lightweight, and ergonomic to hold and use… and it’s not a freaking 100 or 200 bucks.
What it does is a gentle suction and pulsations around your clit at the same time. Yes, we are talking only of the glans and the hood of the clit. The little “mouth” of the toy needs to be placed around your clitoris. So the silicone attachment embraces it all around. Try putting some lube that lets you keep even better the light vacuum that the suction makes. And as I mentioned: it can be used underwater. Having it in the tub is definitely different and really delightful. I can’t say better or worse, because it performs really well and reliably in both air and water. One totally cute thing is that when you’re done with it in the bath, it will just float on top of the water. Like a little rubber duck. For adults. Didn’t I say it was super light?
And because it uses suction, well… I HAD to try it on my nipples. People, this isn’t some super hard and painful suction. This is not a BDSM nipple suction toy. If you are looking for pain, you’re not going to find it here. But it feels really good and as close to someone delightfully sucking on my tits as I’ve experienced from a toy. Especially when lubricated. And it’s not too overwhelming, even for the most sensitive of breasts.
There’s a little bit of a learning curve to this toy because what it does to your body is entirely different from anything else that you might’ve used before (unless you have the Womanizer). So there’s definitely a short moment of “is this doing anything for me”. It was really short for me, but it will take every person different amount of time to get off with it. Just within a few minutes Satisfyer Pro 2 starts feeling good… and then really good… and then it might make you cum out of nowhere, because it stimulates parts of your clit that are usually overlooked, so your body-response is going to be different from what you have from vibration. Nothing vibrates on it, and that means that the handle doesn’t either. Yay, no numb fingers anymore! Your arm and hand could get tired for an entirely different reason though. In order to keep the suction and have the toy work and be perfectly placed where you need it to be, you have to hold it in one place. Sometimes a little bit of movement breaks the suction. It’s easy to get back on track, or sometimes this leads to using it in a slightly different position that feels as good or even better.
And what I love about the orgasms with it is that they’re… easy. But what I mean by easy is that they don’t tire my entire PC muscles, it doesn’t make me cramp, it doesn’t leave me depleted. It’s just like having an orgasm, but not having gone through all the “work” and contractions of having one. (Boy I hope this makes sense.) It’s like: I just came, now I am refreshed, energized and can get shit done. Moving forward with my life. Versus: Oh boy, I will need to take a nap after this one.
The only thing that can be a deal breaker for some people is that Satisfyer Pro 2 cannot be easily used with some vaginal stimulation at the same time. You can’t have intercourse while using the toy and using a dildo and thrusting in and out will break the vacuum and it will move your entire vulva and body with it, making maintaining a constant contact between the Satisfyer and your clit impossible. But on the other hand, if you just need some fullness in your vagina while having the clitoral stimulation, you can either have a vaginal egg or balls in, or you can have a dildo in, but mainly squeeze it with your vag muscles, instead of thrusting with it.
One thing is the battery. It takes 2 and a half hours to charge, for only 30 min of play. They actually say “Usage period: approx. 30min” in the manual. What they mean by that is probably how long the battery can hold. I sincerely hope they’re not telling you how long you should be using it. That’s none of their goddamn business. I haven’t tested the 30 min thing, because I usually use it for anything between 15 and 25 and just plug it in right away, because… Ghosts of depleted batteries are chasing me in my nightmares. Toys must be charged! Who knows when the mood will strike.
And the big question… How loud is it? Well, it gets loud. LOUD. The thing is, that just in the air, by itself, it’s very loud when turned on. But once in place and using the suction, it is much quieter. It’s still fairly noisy even then, especially on settings higher that 5 or 6 (out of 11). I think it’s most quiet underwater. It doesn’t sound like a vibe though. It sounds like a hydro pump or something.
As I said, I think every vulva-owner should have one. The way everyone should have a vibrator. I think its pros waaaaaay outnumber the few cons that I’ve come across.
And it’s so affordable! It sells for $59.99 (and that’s without my 10% off code) at Peepshowtoys and they offer free shipping on orders over $70.
My readers get 10% off from Peepshowtoys with code “WETLANDIA”!
Disclaimer: The opinions in this article are honest and unbiased. The toy was provided to me in an exchange for a review from Peepshowtoys.com
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